“I am your MOTHER”, I hear her say through the phone. Okay, and? Oh, was that it?
That used to be enough. Haven’t we all been told at some point throughout our childhood by our mother, “Because I said so”? At a particular time in our lives that is enough information, that is enough said, no other points have to be made. At what point is it acceptable to take a step back and say, well no that is not enough anymore? Saying you are my mother is just not enough!
My mother was my best friend. We did everything together. One of our favorite things to do was to lay in bed together all Saturday and watch cheesy lifetime movies or crime shows. It can be difficult to see the differences in your upbringing in comparison to others. The hot and cold relationship I had with my mother was normal. Everyone’s mother would take out their frustration on them through verbally abusive outbursts. Everyone’s mother would tell them that their legs were too big and they needed to lose weight “Five pounds off each leg, honey”. It was normal. Right?
Then, this crazy thing happened. I fell in love. I found the most beautiful soul of a man who showed me that I was not stuck in my situation. He showed me that family shouldn’t tear each other down. I witnessed how loving and supportive his family was and then would look at my living situation in which I felt like a prisoner and I began to realize something. I realized that this isn’t normal. Not everyone’s mother is emotionally dependent on them or takes things out on them or controls them! Once I knew this, I couldn’t un-know it. I began to resent my living situation and the way I was treated. As I spent more time with the man that I loved, my mother started to get jealous and would try to control the amount of time I talked with him on the phone. I had limited minutes on my cell phone and would usually talk to him on the landline and my mother began hiding the landline from me and pretending that it was lost. She started to try to get in my head and make me believe that my boyfriend was going to leave me or that I only loved him because I was sick with autoimmune diseases and had no self-worth to date anyone else. It became toxic, my living environment. There was not a day that went by in which I didn’t have a full blown mental breakdown from my mother screaming at me.
I cracked. I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I left. I moved two states away to live with my boyfriend, someone who was healthy for me, who treated my wonderfully! My mother LOST it. She has created rumors about me and spread them to my family members. She has tried to destroy the character of my boyfriend (he is now my fiancé). She has nonstop tried to get us to break up.
When I tell her that she can’t continue to act this way and that she needs to learn boundaries and treat me and my fiancé with respect, she tells me “I am your mother”. When I tell people that I am considering not inviting my mother to the wedding, they tell me “You have to have your mom at your wedding”. So, my question to not only those who read this, but to myself is, is blood thicker than water? Does the fact that this woman gave me life mean that I am indebted to her and excuse her from all her toxicity and abuse? When is enough truly enough?
“There comes a time where the title just isn’t enough anymore and you have to come to terms with who the person behind the title truly is.”
I found that the answer to the question is, it’s when you decide that you have had enough. I have decided this for myself. I have found that my mental health, stress, and physical health are better when I have taken a step back from my mother. I also feel that at some point it is disrespectful to my fiancé to continue to allow my mother to attack his character and spread rumors about him to my other family members. My mom has crossed just too many boundaries for me to healthily allow myself to have an in depth relationship with her. Here is the thing, I did not get to choose my mother. That was chosen for me. So, why should I be obligated to continuously endure mental abuse purely due to the fact that she holds the title of “mother”. Blood is not thicker than water. Family should not be defined by blood lines and shared genes, it should be defined by people who love you and treat you with kindness. Titles should not be used as excuses to take advantage of people or treat them badly. There comes a time where the title just isn’t enough anymore and you have to come to terms with who the person behind the title truly is. For me, that was toxic, mentally abusive, and manipulative. I will always love my mother, so this was a sad realization for me, but it was also a healthy one.
I hope that maybe my story will help others find their boundaries with loved ones.
“I am your MOTHER”, I hear her say through the phone. Okay, and? Oh, was that it?
That used to be enough. Haven’t we all been told at some point throughout our childhood by our mother, “Because I said so”? At a particular time in our lives that is enough information, that is enough said, no other points have to be made. At what point is it acceptable to take a step back and say, well no that is not enough anymore? Saying you are my mother is just not enough!
My mother was my best friend. We did everything together. One of our favorite things to do was to lay in bed together all Saturday and watch cheesy lifetime movies or crime shows. It can be difficult to see the differences in your upbringing in comparison to others. The hot and cold relationship I had with my mother was normal. Everyone’s mother would take out their frustration on them through verbally abusive outbursts. Everyone’s mother would tell them that their legs were too big and they needed to lose weight “Five pounds off each leg, honey”. It was normal. Right?
Then, this crazy thing happened. I fell in love. I found the most beautiful soul of a man who showed me that I was not stuck in my situation. He showed me that family shouldn’t tear each other down. I witnessed how loving and supportive his family was and then would look at my living situation in which I felt like a prisoner and I began to realize something. I realized that this isn’t normal. Not everyone’s mother is emotionally dependent on them or takes things out on them or controls them! Once I knew this, I couldn’t un-know it. I began to resent my living situation and the way I was treated. As I spent more time with the man that I loved, my mother started to get jealous and would try to control the amount of time I talked with him on the phone. I had limited minutes on my cell phone and would usually talk to him on the landline and my mother began hiding the landline from me and pretending that it was lost. She started to try to get in my head and make me believe that my boyfriend was going to leave me or that I only loved him because I was sick with autoimmune diseases and had no self-worth to date anyone else. It became toxic, my living environment. There was not a day that went by in which I didn’t have a full blown mental breakdown from my mother screaming at me.
I cracked. I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I left. I moved two states away to live with my boyfriend, someone who was healthy for me, who treated my wonderfully! My mother LOST it. She has created rumors about me and spread them to my family members. She has tried to destroy the character of my boyfriend (he is now my fiancé). She has nonstop tried to get us to break up.
When I tell her that she can’t continue to act this way and that she needs to learn boundaries and treat me and my fiancé with respect, she tells me “I am your mother”. When I tell people that I am considering not inviting my mother to the wedding, they tell me “You have to have your mom at your wedding”. So, my question to not only those who read this, but to myself is, is blood thicker than water? Does the fact that this woman gave me life mean that I am indebted to her and excuse her from all her toxicity and abuse? When is enough truly enough?
“There comes a time where the title just isn’t enough anymore and you have to come to terms with who the person behind the title truly is.”
I found that the answer to the question is, it’s when you decide that you have had enough. I have decided this for myself. I have found that my mental health, stress, and physical health are better when I have taken a step back from my mother. I also feel that at some point it is disrespectful to my fiancé to continue to allow my mother to attack his character and spread rumors about him to my other family members. My mom has crossed just too many boundaries for me to healthily allow myself to have an in depth relationship with her. Here is the thing, I did not get to choose my mother. That was chosen for me. So, why should I be obligated to continuously endure mental abuse purely due to the fact that she holds the title of “mother”. Blood is not thicker than water. Family should not be defined by blood lines and shared genes, it should be defined by people who love you and treat you with kindness. Titles should not be used as excuses to take advantage of people or treat them badly. There comes a time where the title just isn’t enough anymore and you have to come to terms with who the person behind the title truly is. For me, that was toxic, mentally abusive, and manipulative. I will always love my mother, so this was a sad realization for me, but it was also a healthy one.
I hope that maybe my story will help others find their boundaries with loved ones.
